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wrestling…

For a long time now I’ve been wrestling…with my will, with my hubris…with my motivation and all this time I’ve been mistaken, gravely mistaken about the nature of my struggle.

It’s not ironic but rather, comic, really, that all this struggle I’ve been thinking I’m trying to pin God, all “Jacob and the Angel” like but the reality is that I’ve been wrestling only myself.

I see myself in this struggle, clearly now, I leave the Jesus prayer angry and sad….I go to bed at night anxious and wondering. When I think about my struggle I just want to swear and lash out and it’s all because I’m wrestling my self…I’m trying to get blessing from me and me alone.

It might be the model of self sufficiency so well instilled in me by the culture, modern times, something. I know that when I’ve needed something in the past I’m notorious for making it.

-I wanted to sing in the choir at church in grade school but there was a boys’ choir only…so I started a girls’ choir.

-I wanted to be in a band in college so I started one.

-I wanted a women’s group as an adult so I created one.

-I wanted a mind/body practice to replace yoga so I made one.

I’m self made…or that’s the lie I buy into in my own small understanding of my self. To have done these things isn’t wrong or bad but to NOT see this as God’s long outstretched arm reaching through me is a mistake, it’s my main mistake these days.

It’s tempting for me to think that all of this is a consequence of not being a part of a church body for so long and that this will all be solved once I commit to one. I’d really love for this to be an easy fix, a small white pill to swallow every Sunday morning at 10am. I guess I know better than that. Worthwhile things are costly.

To stop wrestling with my self means a few things going forward and they are all rooted in fear. I’m afraid I will be lost. I’m afraid it will hurt, a lot. I’m afraid I will be left alone.

And then, there is the question of how to begin the process of disentangling my arms and legs, my head and hand, my heart and hurt.