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And to love Him with all the heart, with all the understanding, with all the soul, and with all the strength, and to love one’s neighbor as oneself, is more than all the whole burnt offerings and sacrifices. Mark 12:33

I lose track of the days. I lose track of the hours.  It may be that parenting does this but if it wasn’t parenting, it’d be career or something else. Time always seems to run through my fingers like Jell-o melting in the heat, sticky, staining my hands as some bold reminder that I’m just not keeping up well enough.

It’s a bad idea for me to keep treating time as though it’s currency, as if somehow if I store it up, if I invest it perfectly that I’ll end up with more in the future. But time isn’t like that, really. Time is this man-made device we use to gauge our productivity, to enforce our deadlines and keep us accountable. There’s no harm in that, I guess, but it’s not the determiner of “all.”

There’s my burnt offering, there’s my sacrifice…the feeling that whatever I’ve done in a day is not enough.  It’s not my “best.”

It’s not my “all.”

And I think then of what loving with my “all” really means in light of the verse in Mark, the verse in which Jesus asks me to love with all of my heart, all of my soul, strength and understanding, to love my neighbor as myself and I know I hold back. I harbor these tiny crumbs of “all” tucked away in my pockets, in my purse, in the name of self-care but it’s not exactly that. It’s fear of course, it’s worry that there will never be enough, that love is somehow in short supply, that I have to tuck away some tiny crumb, to withhold it, not even letting it translate into self-care really. In the end it goes stale in that pocket, in that purse until I finally clean it out and then fall into complaint.

This is my offering today, then. It’s a sacrifice, emptying myself and giving all. It’s an exercise in trust that pouring out all of the love will lead to something greater- richer relationships, stronger bonds, healthier children, deeper faith- it’s an exercise in trust.