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blades of grass…

This is what comes to me today as I scatter what I like to call “wishful thinking” and “hope” on our poor damaged lawn. Again. It comes in a plastic, resealable bag, boasts the ability to grow in most any soil or weather condition and most people know it as grass seed.

When we killed all the weeds in the back yard lawn we killed pretty much anything green in the back yard lawn…which it turns out was less “lawn” and more “weed” than we had thought.

For the last few weeks I’ve been tossing down grass seed and pulling out the puny sprinkler, hoping for the best or maybe it’s hoping just a little better than the least, which is what we have back there now. I didn’t prep the soil, I don’t rake it in after I scatter it. I’m lucky to remember to water and when I do water it I’m likely to do it in the heat of the day because that’s when I’m home and when I remember to do it.

I just fetch up my big bag o’ wishful thinking and toss it out into the sea of brown-ness. The thing about this approach is that it is so classically me. I get an idea, I have a vision and then I just start implementing it, hang the prep work or the planning. “I’m doing this” I think. The other important bit here is that I’m also a cheapskate so I do it but I don’t want to spend a lot of money on it. If I was really so eager for the green green grass of home and if I had the means I guess I could just hire someone to truck it in for me but I don’t.

At this point I could say that it’s all about that daily act, being faithful, committing long term…and I might compare it to prayer or practice or something. I guess it can be compared to that.

Where I’m at right now is less having confidence in the system I gots going and more feeling some small consolation in remembering the person I know myself to be. I know I am someone who does things slowly even as she flails in impulsivity. I know I am someone who commits and acts, even as she shies away from responsibility. I know I am someone who feels and thinks deeply, even as she hides from the very thoughts and feelings that come along.

I am not confident in how the process will unfold or how I will react each step of the way. I only know it will unfold and that I react. I only know I ought to hope for good things, I ought to expect more weeds to come up.

I’m going to keep scattering this hope and the grass will grow, it will grow eventually. It will be patchy and much will fall on the sidewalk and the flower bed. It will die out a little when I forget that this kind of approach means watering every day. It will come back, slow and sure. It will eventually be strong, lush, green with the rains of the spring.

In the long run it will come out they way I hope…yeah and then we’ll probably move.